Saturday, January 7, 2017

Once I saw a dream; a face I haven't seen in decades, centuries - in this dream, this face was a young girl; so young her peels and bones were fondled in fields she had long yet to unearth. Her eyes saw this familiar face, but a sight like no other - a dream that painted blues of steel, blues of dark. Another dream I had, were of the same girl; the warriors of her world had grown on guns and befit neck-slitting clashes. This one painted canary and tuscan can. And another one; three souls at youth sat still, untroubled, in an airy, age-old mobile with who they knew of as a doctor, a driver, a teacher, a laugher, a grower. Russet, sepla, wood; this one was more than a dream.

Dreams are continued thoughts you have during the day; they are your fantasies, the realities you wish to be; your soulmates in reflection; your greeters in ups and downs of merriness and morose; dreams are signs of something - just look out, wide open, and you will see them as they are. Often times in my dreams I walk as if I walk on grounds of Earth, as if my heart beats the same pulses, my skin feels the same sensations. Dreams are signs of something; have you come to greet us? To leave us a message or two? Have you come in the shape of fire, or a mystical dragon that breathes it? Were you the figure who left unspoken, with buttons of dandelions and clouds of oranges? Have you been lingering in reveries, sleeping in safe surrounds, breathing in peace? Will we catch a glimpse of you again? Will we reconnect in the upside down, the up above, the heavenly unknowns?


Wednesday, December 9, 2015

"a lot of other
or sad 
but internally wonderful people 
can be 
externally wonderful if we
show them
a little love
just a little,
is enough and they will 
love a little back more"

Monday, October 12, 2015

crunch crunch crunch today i heard the leaves go crunch crunch crunch

below is my religious autobiography i wrote sometime a month ago in early September.  for this assignment there were a few requirements to be fulfilled such as highlighting definitions of religion from a given rubric and from a personal point of view.  ok, well this is me . . .  . . . . . . 

13th October 1994 – my eyes opened, and here I was, born and alive. This little girl hails from Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia – a rainbow nation, as I like to call it. “People here don’t ever look the same,” once said by a friend who was visiting Malaysia. Indeed, the country is multiethnic, multilingual, and multicultural! It is known that we have three main ethnic groups: Malay, Chinese, and Indian. However, the nation is now filled with many others from countries such as Myanmar, Thailand, Bangladesh, India, China, Korea, Pakistan, and so on. As for religious affiliations, people in Malaysia practice Islam, Christianity, Buddhism, Taoism, Hinduism, Sikhism, and other indigenous religions. Diversity is just something we have to live with!

            First off, I am Roxanne Chong Kar Yee. I have a Chinese name; in America it would be my middle name. But I mostly go by Roxanne or Rox, even my own grandmother no longer calls me by my Chinese name. I was born into a Taoist family. Most of the times, on paper documents and when talking to others, we generally tell people we are Buddhists. This is because Taoism isn’t quite recognized as an official religion in our nation, and it is not very known to people in general. I am Chinese by blood, so most people would expect me to speak Mandarin or some Chinese language or dialect… but, I don’t. Not quite. The first language I learned was Hokkien, but when I enrolled into primary school, my mom taught it would be best that we actively learned and spoke English at home. At the age of 7, my siblings and I had completely transitioned from Hokkien to English. No more Hokkien. “Eh hiau tia, beh hiau kong” (“I can listen, but cannot speak”) This phrase I had learned to use with aunts and uncles at Chinese New Year reunions and gatherings. Today, my ‘first’ language is English (Malaysian English, of course). I also speak the Malay language fluently, and know enough Mandarin, Cantonese, and Hokkien to enjoy simple conversations, and probably to order food from hawker stalls.

            At age 7, religion was something normal to have, something everyone had. In Malaysia, we are surrounded by people who practice different religions. In school, the Malay Muslims would say “Assalamualaikum” and our Indian Hindu neighbors would perform rituals for respective festivals. On Sunday mornings my Christian friends would go to church, and at home as Taoists we would pray to Guanyin. Religion was for everyone, praying was for everyone, I had thought. However, I do not recall much of how I first learned about God, as my parents did not educate us much on religion. They said they had not taught us much about religion, but I believe it can all be found in our values and our lifestyle. From around the age of 7 and onwards, I had seen religion in the rituals we perform, such as prayers. My mother would pray the morning and evening of every day, and everyone in the family would pray during Chinese New Year, Hungry Ghost festival, and other festivals or occasions. Religion was all about rituals, and praying to God.

For many years, I would ask my mother “What should we say when we pray?” I found out later that my mother always prays for our health and safety, if not for our education. Religion then became something that made us feel safe, and something for us to be optimistic. Once in a while, my father would tell us stories about reincarnation. “If you do many bad things in this life, you may just become a dog or some kind of animal in the next life!” Oh, a dog is not all that bad, I think. But, perhaps it was an easy example for us young kids at that time. My father also once said “If you eat the seeds of an orange, you will turn into an orange tree the next day!” We hardly ever listen to mythical or sacred stories relating to our religion, or perhaps I have just mistaken them for my father’s humorous stories… But, whenever myth was heard, myth always came with doubts. I remember disregarding many of them.

Fast forward to the age of 17, and here I was – fresh out of secondary school. I had spent several months at home before I came to America for college. Those several months were a lot of time for contemplation, especially on existential matters as well as about the self. “Why do we exist?” “Is there really a God?” “What is my place in the universe?” “Is happiness overrated?” “What is normal?” I later learned and defined religion as something optional. Wikipedia and such pages on the net give you plenty to learn and to think about. When I came to Truman, I attended meetings by Freethinkers, Stargazers, Plants Life, Art History, cultural clubs, and other societies that pushed me to be curious. I became awfully pushy in being curious; it was not exactly the healthiest way to learn. I was disconnected from family for quite a bit, as I wanted to forget the attachment and whatever feelings that would distract me from college and from the day-to-day functioning. Not knowing then, but heartless was what I was trying to be.

Religion was an option. God was an option. I claimed to be atheist, but after a while it did not feel quite right. A little too extreme for my views, I thought. Well then, an agnostic I shall be. It fit perfectly when I had found it; exactly what I needed was to suspend my beliefs about God and other supernatural things… Many things were happening, and were felt – I became depressed, and very pessimistic about life and people. I often thought about dying and ending my own life. At age 19, religion was nonexistent to me. At age 20, many things once again were happening, and were felt. I enrolled in Cognitive Science and Weird Science within the same semester, which did me much good I believe. I had heard all these many times but only finally learning to embrace now… “Let go” “Go with intuition” “Embrace uncertainty” At age 20, this felt like the right time to learn about religion. For all that I have so far experienced, I wanted to learn more about religion, especially the one my family grew up with. What does it mean to be a Taoist? Do we believe in reincarnation as well? Do we believe in the existence of a deity? How do we pray?

At age 20, I also went home for summer break, and worked at a pre-school. I loved the kids that made every thing in the world funny, light, and non-serious (including reading a book entitled ‘God Made’), but I also loved the conversations I had with my co-workers. One was a 64-year old Malay Muslim, Teacher Anne, and another was a 55-year old Indian Hindu, Teacher Santhi. They both brought me to Buddhist temples, where we saw people praying and reading mantras, and where we also had vegetarian meals (I am a vegetarian for over a year now, it has only recently dawned on me that my views on eating meat is very identical with the perspective from Buddhists and Hindus!). Teacher Anne once said, “My dad says, “If you want to be a good Muslim, you have to learn about other religions”” What wonderful souls I had met and had heard about. This summer break was also a time where I spent many moments with my mother, sharing thoughts we had never shared before. She had finally told me what she believes in (she doesn’t necessarily believe in God, but she believes in a higher power out there that has control over events that we don’t have control over. She also very much believes in fate, and thinks that praying can be comforting). Religion was finally a comfortable conversation.

At age 20 and almost 21, religion became many things. Religion is something for humans to feel safe and hopeful. Religion was a collection of myths, rituals, and doctrines that I have yet to fully discover at home and in religions class. Religion is a reminder to people for how to be good human beings (by being kind to others, and by not doing harm to ourselves or others). Religion is a reason for people to get together, and especially, to connect. This is true, I believe, whether those people are of the same or different religious backgrounds. Religion is something that I feel. This inner experience is something I have yet to fully discover, although I believe I am on my way to discovering it. Today, religion is many things to me and I can’t seem to put it all in one sentence or one definition. If I had to, it would be “Religion is a way of life” but I have been told it is too vague of a definition. I tell people my family and I are Taoists, but to this day I don’t quite know what that means. If not a Taoist, I think I am definitely a seeker – a seeker of Taoism, or any sort of faith that I can resonate and closely identify with. So, if not “Religion is a way of life,” then it definitely is “Religion is a process or a journey.”

Sunday, September 13, 2015

this 500th post of mine

this 500th post of mine since 2006. 2015 comes here and well, what is time any way (? -@7dsq89)

this past week was a swell and well week. i saw with my own eyes a butterfly fluttering its last flashes and flitters. gulp gulp by a little cricket which is not to be mistaken for a big old predator. for over two hours i spoke with a friend in Paraguay; he is Henry Smith and what good heart this soul has. also Thomas Clubb who is always there, an always-there friend. kawan - "they fill in the spaces, and occupy your time" I believe they do more and are much more. that by the way was also said by the same person who said "when have you lost 'you'?" plenty refreshing things i have heard in this swell and well week of mine. talking and sharing about fate. . . "i was destined to meet this person" thank you for sharing those personal experiences, you indeed are a flower, a warm flower i am glad to be acquainted with. more on ideas for projects, ...talent or gift. do we all have our own unique talents or gifts? or are we just the insignificants among the over seven billion souls? nevertheless it is always wonderful to hear the inputs from all people and prompt questions that are rarely asked in the day to day and that are able to hear answers coming from the heart and the mind. . . but more from the heart i hope. . . more from the heart. .. . . .. Stuti Chugh a good friend from India, made the most swaadisht dahl  with dosa (tose, in Malaysia that's what we call it) and potatoes and coconut chutney ! the wonderfulest dinner in a while, for the food i miss and the company i much enjoyed. also my dost who has been sharing and teaching about buddhism and religion. i luv these conversations. mom said "lucky you." mommaa mero maya mero pariwaaar, always in me you are and always within me. i also heard squirrels making sounds like little lizards like the ones at home (yes both in home and outside home).

aakash aaja ramro chaa
oletko siellä?

One night of this swell and well week i also saw with my own eyes the most beautifulest night sky (the other most beautifulest night sky was sometime last two summers when a few friends and i went stargazing for about two hours). i had walked back from a friend's as i saw all in front and all around me the night sky all dark enough for the stars to be shining and glittering. . . .what a thing to be grateful for. . .. . . . on saturday of this week i made & ate momos with my nepali friends / brothers. kancha macha amigos saathi kawan !

0;K. ~ ~ ~

Monday, January 28, 2013

Day 29: Light

"It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light." 
- Aristotle Onassis

Read the above quote four times and tell me what you think of it. Precisely what I thought after coming across it heedlessly at least 25 times; So when I'm having the worst day ever where I lose hope and faith and everything that keeps me living I should probably, oh wait I must focus to see the light or what ever that could possibly be on the brighter side?

It is during my darkest moments, or so I believe they are my darkest and gloomiest yet, that I find toughest to be open to any positive thoughts. I say and do things irrationally that is brought upon only from my pessimistic side, but that's what the dark mind does to you; it attends to negative thoughts and neglects anything that might seem positive or hopeful. But over time, through personal experiences, I figured that usually after a long thought I've been accustomed to go through several stages which eventually make me feel better altogether. I learnt that 1) There are ways of making yourself feel better, 2) It might take a little effort and time but you WILL feel better sooner or later.

I was never comfortable with telling others what I really thought and felt, until I felt like I wanted someone else not just to listen but to understand. Closure isn't always a good idea in a long run. I guess what I'm trying to say is no matter how dark a situation or a feeling may be, there is light somewhere. May it be a bright or dim light, just like an idea it can be cultivated - give yourself some time and with a little effort, you are bound to feel better. It's never a cinch but this I can promise you - you WILL feel better.

This might not help but I sure hope it will: You are much more than you think you are; you are you and you are of beauty and pleasantness and your existence is momentous and to quote a friend, "Your life is important".

I apologize for the hiatus I had taken from this photo challenge for classes and school-related matters
are keeping me occupied but I am soon to reach the end of this challenge wohoo!
Anyone up for a jolly song?

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Day 28: Nighttime

This semester, although began only three days ago, is the semester where I am drowned into a schedule I knew I wouldn't be fond of; thanks to the fact that I had to take a 7:30 a.m. class as other times for the course I'm taking filled up pretty quick. Nonetheless, this semester's commencement (for now) marked the end of my deteriorating sleeping habits; no more staying up until someone else gets up for breakfast or until I see daylight and hear birds chirping, no more unproductive activities while staying awake late, no more squandering hours doing nothing significant, no more brooding constantly over the pettiest or hugest matters in life, no more time to dwell on unnecessary things to dwell on. Of course when I say no more I really meant not as much anymore. I will still do those things mentioned regardless, simply because some things we are accustomed to doing. I probably just won't do them as much now.

If it weren't for my morning class, I'd still be comfortable with the idea of hitting the sack at 3 or 4 a.m. Nocturnal or not, I used to think that I had no reasons to sleep early and that I was more productive at nighttime. Over time it just became a habit like any other habit I have; it stuck with me and I stuck with it. My late nights weren't entirely productive but they were like a scale on a gas tank; full or empty. Those nights were neither filled nor barren of activities, but of thoughts.

Hours would be occupied with watching movies, drawing or sketching, reading and having multiple waffles coated thick with Nutella but for some of the times, what kept me up was the solitude. On nights like these when desolateness doesn't seem as desolate, it almost felt like my mind was opened to another expanse of ideas, hope and freedom. Thoughts creep on the mind but they are of both good and bad; they are what makes me ponder, they are what makes me sleep, wake up, sleep, wake up and repeat that routine, they are what makes me keep going and hanging on.

The above picture was taken slightly over a month ago, several weeks before Christmas when my housemates and I got a Christmas tree for the house. One of my housemate enthusiastically decorated her door and the interior space of her room with Christmas lights and other pretty decorative items. The picture might not seem to have much relevance with today's blog post but I figured I'd go with it because I haven't got many photos pertaining nighttime to select from...

Music's always a good company during late nights; give this song a try.
 What keeps you awake at night?

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Day 27: Daily Routine

Having to rotate a pot (or three) a quarter turn daily might not be much of a huge routine (no daily quarter turn rotations might result in bad plants!) but it is supposedly a daily routine for two other housemates of mine and myself for probably a few months, or at least until something germinates! Guess what we're growing?

Dude I'm starting to really like this group (!!).

Monday, January 14, 2013

Day 26: Transportation

What seems to be one of the pettiest things a transportation can provide 
might actually offer much more than you are aware of.

I recently stumbled upon a song that gives me a lift and that I happen to keep listening to on repeat.
Won't you have a listen? (:

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Day 25: Artwork

Untitled/ Just another assignment for drawing class/ Just another flower
Water soluble crayons on 22x30" watercolor paper

One of the songs where its lyrics recently struck a chord in me.

Day 24: Gratitude

Never have I truly appreciated the little things I see, overcome and have.


The quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.
gratefulness - thankfulness - thanks - appreciation

Gratitude comes a long way.